“When was the last time you wrote something on your blog?” my husband asked. He didn’t mean By “generated content,” he means writing something that isn’t a sponsored post or an outfit of the day. There is no ill will or judgment implied with this question — Steve is about as straightforward as you could find. He heard that I scolded myself and complained that I was irritated until another week passed. (And another week) without saying anything here. He asked me a question I’ve asked myself many times over the past year. And I admired his gentle nudge.

Over the past 14 years, I have made a presence in my little online home and shared a lot of my heart. There were major highs and lows, with both extremes on the spectrum outside of anything I imagined I’d ever experience.

I also share a lot of clothes. series, mostly because Pants and I have a complicated relationship. Life (thankfully) doesn’t always deal with the knock-out attacks that make all the sense that happens on screen. But life always requires clothes. Therefore, it has been shared more frequently in recent years.

When someone I don’t know asks about my blog or *Influence* I often joke that I’m an oversharer and like to shop. This response is usually accompanied by a chuckle and a “whoosh” shrug, hoping to move the conversation quickly to the next topic that isn’t me. I understand that many people have negative assumptions about influencers — I’ve been guilty of those thoughts at times — and if I can be casual about things and carry the discussion along, then there is. Less risk of me vomiting up too many words to try. Justify my existence as valid and beneficial. There are many deep-rooted messes that I have carried for a long time. “I am an oversharer and like to shop.” The response is often an effective redirect. It’s brief. It’s not explicit. It encourages a shallowness that can stop strangers from diving in while I’m standing in front of them. If they want to go deeper. They can access my archives remotely. They usually don’t.

While it is true that I share my personal stories online more often than others, But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Opening (Sharing too much) often feels like a big risk, like ripping a bandage off an open wound that everyone online can see. And while it’s true that I share more pictures of myself (um like shopping) More than people who are less “online,” the task at hand can feel just as weak. The process of getting something from an ecommerce site. All the way to the package being delivered to my doorstep. Going to my body, going to this photo, going to this blog or Instagram takes as much emotional processing as it does. with sending words on the screen

For those who are thinking “Little girl, clothes aren’t that deep.” I understand — but don’t share — your point of view.

Before you see hundreds of quotes on this site talking about things like not being able to get up from the bathroom floor from grief. or analyze my fat camp experience It takes several hours to process. Pushing the feeling of just them to unexpected heights when the pressure to keep them inside exceeded the capacity of my container. It still maintains just enough to try to make it make sense. Or at least make it feel manageable enough to not let it take up more space than I have to give it. Next is the assessment – ​​will sharing this help others more than it will hurt me? Will it help others feel seen or help them gain perspective? and stay there Really? The real potential for hurting yourself in sharing. Or am I clinging to a long-standing, deep-seated fear that others might view me as weak/emotional/proud/bragging/pathetic/narcissistic/anything other than perfection?

Sharing a photo of myself in an outfit I like might seem painless. Some days it doesn’t feel like a big deal. More days than that It takes effort through the body image obstacle course I’ve been practicing for years. On a good day, muscle memory kicks in and everything goes as it should. There’s a thought, but things go their way. quickly and efficiently The shift in my mind was smooth and free of distractions. Be accurate in practice The score that the judges want me to give is not important. Because I know deep down that I got full marks I look and feel great 10 out of 10. No notes. Sharing may help someone find the style they’re looking for. Or maybe there are people who find it worthy of being seen in a body shape or size like mine. But on these good days I’m going to move on and not think about it any further. People can take what they want and leave the rest.

Those good days are pretty rare. No matter how long I’ve been working on it, still, the fact that they exist is a major breakthrough.

The past few weeks have been a reminder of how difficult it can feel sometimes. I have a photo shoot scheduled. I was thrilled to be able to photograph in beautiful weather with talented photographers in such a beautiful setting. I had a clear vision of how I wanted to look and how I wanted to feel. I want to convey style and confidence. I *see* the look in my mind. And I’m excited to take on the responsibility of sourcing the perfect items. As I tell people, I’m good at shopping. This is my moment!

What actually happened was a stark reminder of how much effort it takes to reconcile one’s vision with the reality of owning a body the size of mine:

lack of access

• Planning ahead in ordering products much in advance Because in my city there are only three possible stores where I can buy clothes that are close to my size.
• The harsh reality of the lack of style available even online. Designers and brands Offering only the most watered down versions of the same cuts they’ve been giving plus size women for decades.
• Budget is limited due to lack of readiness, so there is no other option. You take what you can get. And it will be whatever price they tell you. Because there is no competition
• Increased costs of expedited shipping and inevitable returns For the luxury of trying on I will have to pay a return fee if it doesn’t work. And even for those offering free shipping. It still had to be repackaged and returned to every shipper they told me to within the limited time frame, and then I waited over 4 weeks for a refund.

old message

With each item not coming close to my vision. (which there are many So many bad things!) The dam breaks and old messages are left behind. seeped into my thoughts:

• Fashion Rules: Ancient “rules” that pop into my consciousness. Fat people should not wear striped shirts. Don’t show any skin above your knees. No lumps allowed – you must wear compression garments. Don’t wear sleeveless shirts if your arms aren’t toned. It’s a collection of popular women’s magazines from the ’80s and ’90s.
• Troll Resurrection: A lot of the rude language in the past has made me feel uncomfortable. Choking evil that people say so little that they can criticize strangers. On the internet. At school. Going past in the car. whispered loudly towards me
• 30 years of dieting and parental disapproval: a constant push to be smaller by any means necessary It started when I was 5. The message was loud and clear. The smaller the better. You’re always too big. If you are small You will have more choices. You are an example of a lack of support.

culture

Today’s pop culture and the retreat of mainstream body acceptance is a lighter fluid in any situation. Every time I tell myself not to get upset about a piece of cloth that doesn’t look good on my body. I keep coming across another article about miracle weight loss injections. On social media, on podcasts, on news websites. On the television broadcast of EMMY, it is heard at a restaurant.

Then perhaps only some of us have been following the plus fashion space for a long time. Lack of body diversity every fashion week Next comes the inevitable thought about why this is so. Written by a publication known for its lack of size diversity.

After spending 3 weeks searching the internet for no less than 20 hours, spending thousands of dollars. And I received 12 parcels and I ran out of time. Of all the items I bought, about 20% were satisfactory. I felt 10% good with them, but even then they compromised. None of them came close to what I had imagined.

This is the most extreme example of the work that happens when I find a set and share it. But it is a reminder that hunting is labor. It’s not just a luxury purchase. For me, clothes are an incredibly important part of one’s identity. They are not only a creative outlet for expression; But it is also a tool I rely on to communicate with the outside world to which I belong. It’s the armor I use to combat bad attitudes. that some people have about fat people I need style and effort to convey what I’m trying to do. that I have good hygiene that I can blend together Even if I use more space. That I am someone worth looking at and noticing. It is not an open target for insults.

And if I’m being honest I use clothing and style to guide my performance. myself that I own That I am someone worthy of being seen That I’m too big for my size I stand out and never give up. I can use the space.

I’m just a woman Standing in front of the mirror, asking to love you

Or to be more precise, “I am just a girl. standing in front of the mirror May the mind accept its reflection as whole, valuable, and beautiful, no matter what I wear.“

All this to say If you see me sharing more outfit photos than words, just know this. It’s more than just dressing up. I must remember this too.

And what about taking photos that cause the stress of shopping all month long? The clothes looked a little different than I had imagined. But I saw a photo and was 100% successful. The woman I saw in the last photo was who I wanted to be. You really are me ❤️

(More on this shoot soon!)